I don’t want this to be a real thing but I think it might really be a real thing.
Tay Allyn is a name you might have heard around the intersphere today, maybe on BuzzFeed or The Guardian or Daily Life. She has released this God awful, so-terrible-it-must-be-fake video called ‘Mass Text.’ On the scale of 1 to suicide-inducing on the scale of terribleness, it ranks somewhere between the banality of Paris Hilton’s ‘Drunk Text’ and Rebecca Black’s pinnacle of 2011 pop culture, ‘Friday.’ It’s a slick, professionally produced video set in a high school – despite the fact Tay Allyn is clearly about 30 years old – and laments her crush/admirer/friend/boyfriend/something didn’t send her a text. At first glance, she seems like a bit of a bunny-boiler.
(OK on a closer inspection, his name in her phone contacts list is ‘Drew Crush.’ She’s definitely a bunny-boiler)
She’s playing with Barbie dolls (because that’s what the hip high school girls in Mean Girls did, right? Right?), simpering and being sexy into the camera, dressing up as a doctor and playing with Barbie dolls, simpering again, playing with a Paris Hilton mini dog, apparently writing the song in her notebook WHILE SHE’S ACTUALLY SINGING THE SONG (this shit just don’t make any sense, did you invent a time machine?), and even doing a Rebecca Black dancing thing with the two disinterested bored looking friends in the background.
A mass-produced EDM-lite beat, a cast of cookie-cutter high school kid extras, a truckload of teeth whitener and Autotune – on first glance I immediately thought it was a clever forgery of the Rebecca Black genre of daddies buying their little girls a few hours at the recording studio for their birthday. Case closed, right? Nice try, but not buying it.
But on a deeper inspection, it becomes a bit less clear. Rebecca Black hasn’t been around for near two years, and not much like her has popped up on the web, making a ‘parody’ version have literally zero currency and relevance. Secondly, Tay Allyn has a Facebook page that has been updated regularly… since 2011. She only has 240-odd fans (as of 9.30pm on 18/7/13). She also has an IMDB page, a Twitter, and a lot more stuff online too. Which makes it seem less and less like a fake – or, at least, it would have to be a very long-played, intensive and patient con. To work for two years, and establish a decent social media presence, for a video like this that would have very little social or cultural relevance today? Seems unlikely.
But then again, looking at details she revealed about herself online, it hints at a larger game afoot. Her website bio states she has been “chosen by Justin Timberlake and the new Myspace.com as a Top New Artist of 2013.” Some commentators have guessed that this might be a clever bit of viral marketing for Myspace. To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised by this.
Whatever the outcome, this won’t be the last you hear of Tay Allyn. In about a week, you’ll be reading about her on news.com.au and seeing this clip on The Today Show – by which time, she will have lost all relevance and the internet would have moved on to some new talking dog or water-skiing beaver.