I’ve held a bunch of titles in my 22 years; kid, student, son, brother, journalist. I want to add another one to that list; lord.
These offers of becoming a “lord” or “lady” somewhere in Europe aren’t new. They’ve been around for years, in varying degrees of legitimacy or lack thereof; purchase the rights to a small plot of land somewhere in the back of Nowheresville, Scotland, and you get sent out an official-looking card and certificate with your name prefixed with some fanciful title in a flowery script on a parchment-esque strip of paper. Nice conversation starter at parties. Kind of like having a star named after you, but probably easier to find than trying to tell people “hey, that star right there is named after me. No, that one there, not that one. No, that one!”
A guy I knew in high school did it – he’d whip out his little lord card every now and then, as a sort of humble brag. I’d never really looked into it before, thinking it was just a little gag thing – but then a Groupon offer popped up in my inbox the other week, and now I’ve made it my short-term life goal to acquire this title.
The premise behind it is you “purchase” a small plot of land – a square metre or so – somewhere in the Scottish highlands, and somehow, this magically qualifies you for the honorary title of ‘lord.’ According to Highland Titles, the site offering up these packages, ‘lord’ comes from the word ‘laird’ which translates to ‘landowner.’ Why every landowner in Scotland isn’t automatically qualified as a lord isn’t clear or explained, but let’s leave the semantics of real estate ownership aside for a moment and focus back on the process of me becoming a lord.
Because it seems pretty easy.
“Your Estate is located in Glencoe Wood, a part of the Keil Estate which is about 15 miles southwest of Glencoe, in the Scottish Highlands,” Highland Titles says. It looks pretty magical.
You can buy plots of land in sizes from one to 1000 square feet. The basic package is 30pounds, which gets you the basic title and a bumper sticker (which, I hope, says “honk if you’re lordy”). The master deluxe pack, 400pounds, gets you everything including personalised stationery, fridge magnets, a clan wall poster, trees planted in your honour, a coffee table book, and camping rights on your own land. That is worth the price of admission alone – imagine taking a weekend or week camping trip on your land, putting together a (blanket) castle and declaring war on/invading the neighbouring plot of land. The possibilities are endless.
So if anyone is looking to get me a birthday present (August 23, for those playing at home) buy me one of these packs where I can camp there and visit it when I go to Scotland in October. Kthxbai.