Kogan is a great site. Need a cheap camera? This is your place. Want a discounted tablet? Yep. In the market for some bargains on electronic toys? Sure, got stacks of that shit.
And if you’re just a super creepy stalker dude, then they’ve got all your weirdest needs sorted too.
I was just reading an article comparing Go Pro cameras to a bunch of similar (and much cheaper) cameras. There’s a Kogan-brand camera which has basically the same specs as the top-house Go Pro model, at less than half the price, so I went to check it out. Sorting through the ‘video cameras’ tab, is where it gets a bit weird.
Dealing with the least creepiest first, the benefits of video camera sunglasses are admittedly clear to see. The description talks about using them to film while moving fast, jumping out of a plane, or generally just being a maximum extreme dude. Strapping a Go Pro to your head isn’t the most aerodynamic or comfortable of ideas, and if you’re doing it in general everyday life, having a camera strapped pretty conspicuously to your face just screams “d-bag.” I’m not really sure where the camera in these bulky-as-all-fuck glasses are, but I’m assuming the tiny holes in the bridge of the nosepiece aren’t for ventilation. Probably the biggest crime of these glasses is the product description, which states “you can film fun or important events, while looking as stylish and cool as James Bond himself.” Not to burst your bubble, but James Bond’s video glasses were a lot cooler than this. And probably had like missiles or something which shot out the back.
Moving on to the spy key ring. “This device conceals a pinhole sized video camera and high quality microphone enabling you to discreetly capture high quality video” – sorry, but WHO needs this sort of shit? Leaving aside those pesky legal complications of filming/recording someone without their consent, the only people in a position to need to secretly record secret shit are investigative journalists and police – and you’d hope they aren’t buying their special gadgets for $24 including shipping from Kogan. The key ring promises that “your reconnaissance mission is a guaranteed success” – sorry, “reconnaissance mission”? We’re just encouraging the crazies now.
Which brings us out to the big daddy of creepy shit available on Kogan, the Spy Pen. “This miniature video camera is the perfect accessory for secret agents performing top secret surveillance work” – again, I’m hoping beyond HOPE that the CIA, FBI, Homeland Security or ASIO aren’t sourcing their stuff from Kogan (still only $24 including shipping which, when you factor in the “top secret USB connector” and an included 4GB micro SD card, is a bargain).
“You can simply pop the pen in your shirt pocket and film any sensitive diplomatic situations that may come to hand” – I mean, because how many times have you come across those top secret diplomatic situations and thought “oh dagnabbit, I’ve left behind my secret spy pen AGAIN! What are the chance, three times in a week! I’m the worst secret agent ever.”
“When time is tight and your enemies are closing in, you can unscrew the pen to reveal a top secret USB connector that can be used to transfer data to your computer.” Oh come on. This must be a joke.
But again, leaving behind the obvious sticking points – this time, that Kogan is seemingly encouraging, or at least aiding and abetting, ordinary law-abiding citizens to get their Splinter Cell or Bourne Identity on – this shit is just straight-up creepy. This is the kind of stuff that should come with the attached details “perfect for leaving inconspicuously in your ex-girlfriend’s bedroom to catch her in her underwear.” The kind of stuff that, if it was published in a Christmas catalogue, would be marked as “perfect for: that manic depressive stalker in your life.” The kind of stuff that should come pre-packaged with Apprehended Violence Order application forms for your friends and loved ones.
So in closing – either Kogan is the world’s leading exponent in surveillance equipment for jilted lovers or half-crazed stalkers, or they have the best ever internship/work experience kid/disgruntled and bored employee writing their product descriptions.
…nope, even still, this shit just plain creepy.