US conservative flag-bearer Ann Coulter is many things; an author, a lawyer, a newspaper columnist and social commentator. Today, she has effectively ruled out “soccer pundit” from ever joining that list of media appearances, with one of the most bizarre rants ever levelled at the sport.
“Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay,” the conservative crackpot spouts to begin her piece on The Clarion Ledger. World Cup fever is gripping the United States with their team through to the round of 16, but Ms Coulter is having none of it – soccer? In this country? Heresy and witchcraft!
“I’ve held off on writing about soccer for a decade — or about the length of the average soccer game — so as not to offend anyone,” she writes, either painfully oblivious to, or deadpan ironic about, the fact an average American football game of four 15-minute periods takes around four hours to complete because of all the marching on and off, the two-second plays when someone drops the ball, the injury timeouts, the strategic timeouts, the timeouts purely so advertisers can squeeze in an extra commercial or two, and of course the timeouts for no reason whatsoever.
“There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child’s fragile self-esteem is bruised,” she continues, obviously putting aside the fact that in exactly 100 per cent of tournament games, there must be a loser by definition.
Ms Coulter goes on, and on, and on, and on, about the communist tendencies of soccer; the anti-American sentiments inherent in the game; the fact the sport wasn’t invented on US soil; every fact an insult to the stars and stripes, every facet of the game a spit in Abraham Lincoln’s face, apparently.
“Liberal moms like soccer because it’s a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys,” she continues, despite the fact baseball players spend approximately nine-tenths of their playing lives rooted to the spot waiting for the ball to come their way. Besides the pitcher, batter and catcher, a baseball team could be replaced by small bonsai trees without any detriment to the play, and nobody would be the wiser.
Coulter takes an abrupt right turn to rail against the metric system, comparing its teaching to “Chinese-style brainwashing” and simultaneously offending the 90 per cent of the world that uses centimetres and litres and kilograms… and also the Chinese.
Here’s a personal favourite quote from the article:
Soccer is like the metric system, which liberals also adore because it’s European. Naturally, the metric system emerged from the French Revolution, during the brief intervals when they weren’t committing mass murder by guillotine.
The hum-dinger – digs at Europeans (the French, especially), the metric system AND mass murder! Of course, soccer is rooted in evil and class war! Let them eat cake and play soccer! It’s fun to do that. Watch this:
Football and baseball are like the imperial system, which conservatives adore because it’s American. Naturally, the imperial system was firmly entrenched during the War On Terror, during the brief intervals when rednecks weren’t committing mass murder by lethally injecting minors, committing mass murders in schools with firearms sold to the mentally disturbed, and keeping terrorism suspects without trial or charge in Guantanamo Bay.
Finally, not content with her previous insults, she continues her world tour of offense by dropping a blanket bomb on everyone’s favourite minority group – “the immigrants.”
“If more “Americans” are watching soccer today, it’s only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy’s 1965 immigration law. I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.”
Of course, it can only be the newly-arrived un-American immigrants who have this unhealthy obsession with soccer. Don’t they realise, Americans only play sports that nobody else in the world plays! A true global game like soccer, with international competition and the possibility the American flag won’t be waving over the victory lap? Balderdash! Come back to the American football, baseball or hockey leagues, where our national winners are automatically and arbitrarily named world champions. Much cleaner!
So thankyou Ann Coulter, for showing billions of people around the world the error of their ways. We’ll all take up baseball – see you at the World Series!